Saturday, February 16, 2013

Distanced

I am unsure what's happening, but I've been feeling this great divide from my family.  Being that I'm experiencing only what I can best describe as an alone-on-my-own-island feeling, I'm not sure what to do to get back home.

I think this is why I'm haven't been blogging. 

While I'm having a hard but so very good school year, I am feeling disconnected from so much of what used to be my world.

Friendships are good.  Marriage is good.  Mac is away, but we're good.   But my siblings are shadows; niece and nephews seem far from me.  How did this happen?  Why do I feel so far from so much of my family? 

The only person to blame is me. 

A number of years ago, one of my aunts was upset with me (understandably), and she pretty much cut off all communication with me.  She promised me she wouldn't let anyone in the family know, but in time, since she's the matriarch, I lost touch with all my cousins, aunts and uncles.  I know my becoming a Christ Follower was an issue too.  I come from a mostly Catholic or non-practicing family, and I like to question and talk about faith, and this was not popular.  So I became unpopular. 

All my fault.

About that aunt, one of my friends asked, "Would you be friends with her if you weren't related?"  As good of a person as she is--kind, thoughtful, and giving, I had to answer no.  We didn't have anything in common besides our blood. Some would say that was enough, but apparently it's not. I have only seen her three times in six years--and those times were duty calls, things I believe she did because she felt she was representing my mom.  I love her, and always will, but it doesn't seem she'll ever be part of my life again.

Still, I had my brothers, my sister-in-law, and, on occasion when she allowed a portion, my sister.

Then sister's problems deepened.  For a while, the rest of us would band together as our concern and our inability to help her drew us closer.  But that didn't last, and I the last time I sat with my family, I felt lonely.  I didn't fit.  My language was different. I felt great anxiety.  I experienced growing pains that caused a slamming awareness of a profound loss.  When I made an attempt to describe what I was experiencing to them, I did so inadequately and I was not understood.

I deepened a divide I alone created.

Again, all my fault.

I love my brothers and sister-in-law with such a big part of my heart.  I miss my creative, annoying, always late, prettier than me sister.  I hate the illness that has removed her from our lives--the only part of this story that I can not take responsibility for.

I know this is a rambling post; I could continue in this vein but I won't.  I just don't know what to do.  As I typed that statement, that want for action, I realize that I haven't prayed--not once--about this.  There is my do.  If anything comes from me putting this "out there," it's the reminder, God's voice as I type telling me, to bring it to Him.

"Hello God.  Help me change.  Deepen the hurt if it leads me to a place where connections are strengthened and all is forgiven.  I need you here, I cannot do this alone.  Amen."

8 comments:

  1. I think, perhaps, you have found your answer. You pray for guidance and He will show you the way.

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    1. I felt such peace as I typed that. Corny as it sounds, it was as if He was writing through me. Then I felt embarrassed that He had to do that. I should know better...

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  2. I think it's interesting how God continually uses family to smooth out the rough spots of my character. Nothing can hurt me like family… whether it's my immediate family, siblings, etc… I have a total Achilles heel where my family is concerned.
    Praying He gives you clarity and direction in repairing relationships.
    {{hugs}}

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    1. If you have one heel, I have the other...

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  3. It's interesting you posted this now, right at the beginning of Lent. Maybe for the next 40 days you can offer up this hurt and pray for discernment, guidance, and peace. Make this your focus. Remember, though, that praying is a conversation, so allow moments of silence so you can hear God speak.

    And guess what ... I'll pray for you, too :-)

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  4. I've been struggling as well... What I found, for 2013 is I'm focusing on living my life and not my to-do list.

    Yes, I have to work, but that doesn't HAVE to be life. My life does not need to center around it.

    Yes, I like to blog, but that takes time & energy that I don't necessarily have.

    I want to focus more time on my son, my marriage and on me - losing weight, reading, etc.

    And I want to focus more time & energy on eating healthier. I may spend more for grocery store food prep, but spending those dollars to in turn gain time with my son while eating healthier is worth it at this point in our life.

    My point is... Take time... decide what you really want to take time & devote your energy too. Pray... Listen to God for his thoughts. When you walk into what you should be doing, you'll find energy & strength to be connected doing the things that honor Him.

    Hugs & prayers.

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    1. I think my letting go of my aunt (and so many others) was a reminder of this. I have deep moments of missing so many in my family, but I know they're well and thriving, so I'm thankful for that. As for those closer to me, yes, time will tell. Through posting this, I feel I honored God because suddenly I was listening to Him. I thank all those who mirrored His directive to pray about this. Only through speaking with Him and then LISTENING will repair come.

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I'd like to be humble and say I only blog to record the doings of my life, but really, I blog for conversation, and I would love to hear from you. It's okay if you don't agree with me, that's what makes life interesting.