I am unsure what's happening, but I've been feeling this great divide from my family. Being that I'm experiencing only what I can best describe as an alone-on-my-own-island feeling, I'm not sure what to do to get back home.
I think this is why I'm haven't been blogging.
While I'm having a hard but so very good school year, I am feeling disconnected from so much of what used to be my world.
Friendships are good. Marriage is good. Mac is away, but we're good. But my siblings are shadows; niece and nephews seem far from me. How did this happen? Why do I feel so far from so much of my family?
The only person to blame is me.
A number of years ago, one of my aunts was upset with me (understandably), and she pretty much cut off all communication with me. She promised me she wouldn't let anyone in the family know, but in time, since she's the matriarch, I lost touch with all my cousins, aunts and uncles. I know my becoming a Christ Follower was an issue too. I come from a mostly Catholic or non-practicing family, and I like to question and talk about faith, and this was not popular. So I became unpopular.
All my fault.
About that aunt, one of my friends asked, "Would you be friends with her if you weren't related?" As good of a person as she is--kind, thoughtful, and giving, I had to answer no. We didn't have anything in common besides our blood. Some would say that was enough, but apparently it's not. I have only seen her three times in six years--and those times were duty calls, things I believe she did because she felt she was representing my mom. I love her, and always will, but it doesn't seem she'll ever be part of my life again.
Still, I had my brothers, my sister-in-law, and, on occasion when she allowed a portion, my sister.
Then sister's problems deepened. For a while, the rest of us would band together as our concern and our inability to help her drew us closer. But that didn't last, and I the last time I sat with my family, I felt lonely. I didn't fit. My language was different. I felt great anxiety. I experienced growing pains that caused a slamming awareness of a profound loss. When I made an attempt to describe what I was experiencing to them, I did so inadequately and I was not understood.
I deepened a divide I alone created.
Again, all my fault.
I love my brothers and sister-in-law with such a big part of my heart. I miss my creative, annoying, always late, prettier than me sister. I hate the illness that has removed her from our lives--the only part of this story that I can not take responsibility for.
I know this is a rambling post; I could continue in this vein but I won't. I just don't know what to do. As I typed that statement, that want for action, I realize that I haven't prayed--not once--about this. There is my do. If anything comes from me putting this "out there," it's the reminder, God's voice as I type telling me, to bring it to Him.
"Hello God. Help me change. Deepen the hurt if it leads me to a place where connections are strengthened and all is forgiven. I need you here, I cannot do this alone. Amen."