My son has decided to move back to Louisiana come January.
Bearing in mind I have three important people in my life who have lost their children to death, I am trying to process this turn of events with perspective while still allowing myself to be sad. It's been a less than smooth week.
Yes, I know my son is still alive, and I can and will reach out to him often.
But I am still grieving. I'm upset that he's moving far enough away that I couldn't drive to see him in one day. (Unless I suddenly develop the ability to drive for 17 hours without falling asleep.) I'm sort of--and yes this is ridiculously petty--bummed about going on vacation to the same state each year, or even twice a year. But mostly, and this is cart before the horse truth, I am already missing the idea of being the kind of gramma I hoped to be.
He is not married, not even engaged. We know though time flies, he's 26--when did that happen? Perhaps one day he will be a daddy. (I mean, he had me save his Lego, there has to be a reason.)
He will be there. They will be there.
I will be here.
That doesn't fit in with the image of me frequently baby-sitting, reading to, rocking, wagonging, swinging, painting with, chocolate sharing with, and reading to (I know, that's a repeat--I hoped to do it often) my someday grandchild(ren).
Admittedly, I'm sad that automatically I'd take a second and distant seat to the local grandmother. Yes, I know this is petty, but it's how I feel. I'm working through it, all the ugly of me.
For a number of years, it was just Mac and me. He has been welcoming to Brad. I was and still am looking forward to having a daughter-in-law one day. I've always been open to sharing Mac around the holidays. I have lived without seeing him on Thanksgiving a few years. I never wanted to be controlling of his time. But this one, this move, makes me want to duct tape him to the couch and say no.
I know that's extreme, and of course, I'd never do it. Convicted felons aren't allowed to be teachers. I just don't know how else to process all this other than to feel it and name it. I lack the graciousness to just say I hope for the best and mean it because my heart's imagination is running rampant.
Been there, cried there. In the end, she ended up moving with us and now I wonder if letting her go would have been best. I love having my daughter here, but she's also very unhappy here. Being a parent is hard.
ReplyDeleteOh, Ellie, I know what you are feeling. I would be so bummed not to live near my grandbabies, let alone my daughter. Seriously, if they moved away from us, we would probably have to move too. I love that my grandson asks about me coming over every day. I love being such a part of his life. I can even manage to put in a zipper in a little blue dinosaur costume because he wants one. Don't despair yet. He may yet move back closer to you. You don't know what the future holds. You would also make an awesome long-distance grandma. With the internet and Skype, you can still read to them and talk and interact. :)
ReplyDeleteJane, you're right, I don't know what the future holds. But I do feel I need to begin to steel myself...
ReplyDeleteHard hard stuff...and I totally get it.. We are in MN...and one daughter is in NYC and the other is in Arizona..I miss them like crazy...but they are realizing THEIR dreams and isn't that what life is about? I am anxiously looking forward to the next stage which will include grandchildren...and I will be the best grandma I can be from where ever they may be...make the best of it and be proud that Mac feels secure enough to move about!
ReplyDeleteI am very proud of him! I'm hoping he finds a job there and thrives. But right now, it's all about me. I wanted to share that ugly in a vent in hopes of purging it from my system.
DeleteAmy is in Burbank, CA, Matthew is in New York City, and Bre is commuting to Chicago for school. Three children in our three major cities! I have to agree with Beth. As much as I want to encourage everyone to stay close to home, I can't. I love that you are acknowledging your feelings, Ellen. At times I say to myself, "I hate this!" I keep my mouth shut and move on. My grandparents lived in California and Arkansas most of my childhood and I loved, adored, and was very close to all of them. Distance doesn't diminish love. We let go. We let God, and trust that all will be as it should. I'll keep you in my prayers!
DeleteKathy, thanks for your candor and your sharing. I feel better!
DeleteOh, my heart goes out to you, because I understand this from the other side. I'm the one who took the grandkids, literally right out of my mothers' home (which we both admit wasn't ideal) and moved them 600 miles away, so I understand your sorrow.
ReplyDeleteThat said, you can and will make it work. My mom has a GREAT relationship with my children, although with mine, their other grandparents are so hands off, there is no real competition. She is dealing with "competition" and local grandparents for the first time with my sister's pregnancy, but my sister called her the other day and asked her to come stay for the remainder of the school year after she goes back to take care of the baby...my sister is bereft over the idea of putting her infant in daycare, and yes, my BIL's parents are local, but my sister wants my mom...its a HUGE imposition, but if my mother wants to be involved, she can be (granted my parents are retired, so she actually CAN move down for a month)
I'm a looooong way from retirement!
DeleteHaving my grandchildren grow up across the country from me, I feel your pain. I am the only grandmother they have as my DIL 's mother died when she was very young. I had to decide that I was going to do whatever was necessary to stay close to them......so try not to worry, it really does all work out! And take heart, maybe he will marry someone with parents who live far away too! :).
ReplyDeleteWow - this one hits closer to home than I'd like... Except I'm the child that moved.
ReplyDeleteI will say, we make the most of it... Now that my parents are retired, they spend a lot of time traveling to see us. And I take at least one trip a year to see them. I'm lucky that in the summer, they are only 3 hours away, so we can spend every other weekend, and to be honest - he sees my parents more often than my ILs who only live 45 mins away.
And that is really what it is all about... Not spending every day, as that might get on a future DILs toes, regardless of what you wanted to do... But cherishing the time you do have with a relish that makes every moment quality... Even the moments just spent snuggling on a couch.